on loop

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1GNx2bwZa4

musiz

Funeral (Arcade Fire) is an album i listen to on repeat, time after time. It's mellow, happy, nostalgic, dreamy all at once. There is a song for every mood, feeling, emotion; in that sense it is complete in all respects. The songs grow on you, creeping below your skin and forming a little layer within. A gap of a few years doesn't take away the shine from any of the songs. This album has a pearl-like quality, crack open its shell and you will find a song that resonates with you.

Here's mine:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwcaDvr8f1o 

Note to self: no one has it all...

Inspiration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOQ3R3MNcv8

At last, i have found comfort in books instead of people. This solitary activity is my refuge, my little island of peace. It's all i care for.

u know who you are

How i wish you were here.

Longing and loving.

Hoping and chanting.

Cherishing and promising.

For the moments gone and for the times to come.

We are one.

sickness. unwell. melancholic. lonely. suffering. pain.

this is my current state of being

Going home during the pujos invokes nostalgia, love, longing all at once. Cannot imagine myself anywhere else in the world but here with Ma Durga. Sweet homecomings and sweeter memories. Kolkata devour me with your embrace. I'm waiting :)

listening to ambient rock (mogwai, explosions in the sky). thoughts in motion. i feel blah, mellowed by the progress of the day. stuck in a vortex spinning round and round. no way out. just circling life. it gets giddy and i fall down. i struggle to stand, uneasy of the weight that bears me down. raging on, tearing down pieces of you. tired and weary, i rest for i know not how. is this forever? will it change? i hope it does, for it ain't worth living if u ain't got love. redemption song i will sing along. condemned as a tethered mortal strung to life. peace be upon restless souls that survive.

I sometimes wonder if equanimity is the same as being disaffected and therefore de-attached. The quality of being equally at ease with pain and suffering as with happiness and good fortune is what balance in life offers. But somehow my life moves is swaying motions like the pendulum clock. Sometimes, it stops at the centre, only to regain its inherent force to move in opposite directions. And caught in this tussle is my mind, the seat of the big fat ego. It never stays still, always rushing moment to moment. It needs to be sedated, which i know drugs won't fix. To kill ego is to kill self. Can you imagine yourself without a 'me' or 'I'? That would make you a dust particle floating in the wind or at best an element. I know i'm connected to my inner, higher  self that lies beyond the 'Nidhi Sen' self. That self always tells me the truth i don't want to hear, accept or acknowledge. So i fight with all my might to break it down. For the most part i succeed, till it surfaces again. And the fight ensues. But i will die another day. I promise.

Father

I want to write of the man who growing up in a small town became a successful executive. I want to write of the man who rode 5 kms. with a bicycle to catch a sneak peak of his favourite actress Madhumala in the run-down theatres doting the rural heartland. I want to write of the man who enjoys his bridge and refuses to play 29. I want to write of the man who has always enjoyed the finer things of life with a zest and spirit that i wish could only be mine. I want to write of the man who has never failed to share the joys of life with all whom he encountered during his time. I want to write of the man whose love for the written word can only be matched by his interest in political views. I want to write of the man who never planned but lived each moment with a carefree candour no longer possible in these troubled times. I want to write of the man who travelled and explored more than 5 generations before him could even dream of. I want to write of the man who calls me "ghenu" out of misplaced affection. I want to write of the man who loves his daughters so much that he is willing to give up his vice. I want to write of the man who has shared 28 glorious years with his wife, never failing to treat her nice.  I want to write of the man who is trying to rebuild his life, knowing that each day is a struggle with the demons inside.

Loneliness is debilitating and finding peace in being alone is by far the toughest human challenge known. Companionship, family, friendships are a reassurance that you're not alone, that there is someone who alone like you is there for comfort and succour. But it belies the truth, for we are forever condemned to this lonely existence and despite all assurances to the contrary, we are little islands floating on this inexorable sea of life. Accepting this has been difficult, resisting it easier. Enough said. Ekla cholo!

:(

no amount of decorating my room, no amount of time spent with roomies, no amount of food binging, no amount of book reading or movie watching can make me feel better. i am home-sick.

deja vu

sometimes coming home is more than just being on a holiday and sometimes holiday is nothing but homecoming.

homecoming

Coming home this time feels different from any experience i've known in the past. May be it has to do with the rains that induces melancholy in me. Being home has given me peace i have rarely embraced otherwise. I don't want to go into a mad frenzy and be the social bee. I have done that in the past and it leaves me drained more than energized. I want this solitude to linger except for the few hours stolen for the company of my loved ones. I love that home is here as i type this in Calcutta, the city of love and longing.

the feeling

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v52Igdotisk

CR park, though bearing a sense of familiarity to all things 'bangali', feels quite distant like most localities in Delhi. At the market, you have your standard bric-o-brac stores selling all the paraphernalia you associate with Bengali identity, food and dressing. But somehow it disappoints me. It fits your typical local community centre that is the prototype in Delhi. The warmth, the cacophony, the madness that accosts you in any marketplace in Kolkata is just not there. To further compound my disappointment, the boxed-in houses lack a sense of character, not to speak of the non-existent para culture. I know it's unfair for me to compare a beautiful city with a run-of-the-mill neighbourhood. But it has got me thinking how Delhi as a city has shaped the making of this once Bengali refugee colony, stripping it of its soul and leaving it threadbare. I left with a gnawing feeling that its inhabitants were clinging onto a collective identity that just isn't there.

The dust strewn streets rest quietly, as the oppressive heat dissipates into a cool breeze. The dogs run amok across the freshly dewed grass, awakened from their heat-induced slumber. The buildings stand majestic with their glittering lights shining across the grey-blue sky. A lone policeman walks in the shadow of the midnight street lights. Reckless cars zig-zag across the empty streets driven by their need for speed. Driving into the endless summer night, images flash across our tired eyes, music beats in our ears and gusts of wind wash our faces.

Walking bare feet on the perfectly tarred roads, the soles of my feet feel the warm sensation of the ground beneath. I sit on what is the only traffic signpost and sigh to myself. Lonely is the heart of this wayfarer, for whom the journey becomes you.

Have had a far from normal weekend. Relieved and exhausted from my vagabond existence. Now it's time to breathe easy. Shall fight another day.

Longing. Coming home always send me in an emotional tizzy. Patience wears thin as time does its daily motions. I like the now and the forever; never the suspense that waits. I departed not knowing how to carry with me all that i left behind. This time when i return, i don't know whether what i left is what i'll find.

Past few days have been dull. Not that i am doing anything special. Have been in a work-home routine. Since i bought the fridge, i am putting myself under strict control. Not planning to spend more than Rs. 500 for the remaining few days. i might not succeed at being frugal but i know that every rupee saved is gonna make june, the month of homecoming, a sweet celebration. i know that i should live in the 'now' but that's on freeze till june. for now, i shall wait the endless wait.

my father says that he has waited for 34 years to see this change. when i ask him what he means by it. he slips into expletives. nobody around me (including myself) can talk of this change sweeping my home state in rational and polite terms. blood curls, tongues coil, faces cringe and body language stamps of aggression. i wonder why? they say that this change which has come is not simply a change of guard, but a change for the better. el dorado-  more jobs, more matti (read spoils) to be shared and generally more bonhomie. simply irresistible. i know that this mass hysteria generated by the cult personality of 'didi' will die a slow and sudden death. all fads, political and non-political meet the same death. so if TMC really wants to be the alternative to the humdrum of daily politicised lives that CPI(M) symbolises, it will have to work at break-neck speed to produce the 'results' of change. here again i'm a skeptic. but i will not play spoil sport on this historic day. for many millions like my dad hope for a better tomorrow and i do not intend on taking that away from them. 

I have become a soppy blob of mass on the face of this earth, who only worries, cries and sighs. Depressing state of affairs. The force of the universe, help me!!!

Pinoo,

These six months away from you have been a real struggle, emotionally and materially. My circumstances have changed and so have I. Yet the essence remains. Life is that eternal struggle we grapple with, that battle with the self to establish our faith, that journey will no mast above to reclaim. It's inexorable yet ephemeral. There have been moments when i have questioned and agonised over my purpose to be here in the dusty heartland of my country. There have been days when i feel i am just drifting and slipping away into the inescapable motions of time. But each time i introspect i find that this state is a chosen way of being and the best of what can be. This physical distance is just temporal- a stop for us to rest so that we may labour on the path to come. So as we plough our way through all of this, know that we are creating tiny seeds of life that will grow and bear fruit in the fields of hope.

xoxo     

That much awaited space has been created in my room that feels like home. I can spend endless hours in idle pursuit there on my own. With this little hole-in-the-wall, I can plot and plan, escape and unwind, read and write. Its taken a good six months to be claimed but now its there to be lived. My physical universe is aligned to my mental being-contentment as just being.

I bought my first electronic gizmo of much utilitarian value in my life- the 180 litre Godrej refrigerator. And last night when it was finally signed, sealed and delivered at home, i was a bit overwhelmed. The day has finally come when i can 'afford' such comforts. It's been a struggle to organise the money but where there is a will, there is a way. I'm a bit sad that i cannot share this joy in person with my family and closest friends. But life's like that. The small victories are yours alone to enjoy and savour and may be i need to chill on that note.

Part of me wants to play it safe and part of me wants to break out. It these two opposing tendencies that i contend with on a daily basis. There is no doubt that i will be happy having all the creature comforts of life and a steady income that allows me to pay the bills and entertain. But that life does not completely satisfy my urge not be confined with any boundaries. Increasingly, i feel the need to live in a commune, may be of my own making where i could create life naturally as it should be. I am no idealist when i say i want to grow my own food, generate my own electricity, build my own house. I want to able to do that on my own terms. I think urban life is sedative, drugs you into acquiescence. I'm cool with it is not a lifestyle i see for myself.  I like the struggle of being able to push yourself beyond what is given. For the most part i hold back. But if i once given in, there will be no looking back. I will do it and i want to be in a position do it. Not be accountable to anyone for my decision to do it. Lest the clock is clicking and time slips slowly by. The day will come when i will not be blogging but writing letters in the sand.

I want to stop, be still and stare into nothingness. No words should describe my feelings. No thoughts should cloud my mind. Just black out. The void is the moment to enter the consciousness. In the dark is the light, in the truth is my life, losing self to reclaim what is mine.

Pinudas

Pinudas, with you there is no end no beginning. there is just ceaseless desire to be fulfilled and shared
Pinudas, with you there is no boundary no frontier, there is just the open horizon on which we tread
Pinudas, with you there is morality no shame, there are just naked souls revealing their fate
Pinudas, with you there is no hope no despair, there is just this moment of ours which we call 'the love affair'
Pinudas, I am you and you are me, in the end all we are left is neither of us, for we are free.

I want  my periods to start. At least that way i will know my body is functioning normally.

Embrace and transform. Two words I am trying to imbibe in my everyday life and practice. Patience, hope, peace.OMMMM

Join the fight club

Some of the hardest battles are fought alone. In the silence of other rooms, in the cobwebs of memories, in the angst of retribution, in the humour of human folly, in the sadness of fate, in the hope of redemption. I am forever condemned to fight this life, this existence, this being.

Since Sunday evening, there has been no water at home and life has understandably come to a standstill. Our entire household has been turned upside down. The fragile sense of normalcy which we maintain has given way to frayed nerves and hot tempers. Everyone is on the edge; waiting in anxiety. Our predicament is best captured in the words of Coleridge in The Rime of the Ancient Mariner-

Water, water, everywhere,

And all the boards did shrink;

Water, water, everywhere,

Nor any drop to drink.

How do we get a system which focuses only the accumulation of capital and money to take social responsibility for its own systemic consequences?

Like how, any ideas??:)

Today is your birthday and I am not there to share the joys of growing up with you. Will I be there to witness your victories and your failures? I don't know but don't hold it against me. This choice was mine and i made it knowing that we would lead separate lives, if only for a while. But sometimes I wish I didn't do this- being away when you are still here, being indifferent when you still care, being maudlin when you are so matter-of-fact, being out-of-sync when you are in the moment. For in being who I am I realise what you have been and will always be- a source of infinite joy and comfort for me.

Wierd. Awkard. Uncomfortable.

Three words to describe my encounter with my ex-boss.

Although I was okay, I am yet again left with a feeling of oh-no-this-is-not-the-end.

Why can't we end this human drama of life in something other than death?

As the Sarod was played, the notes lifted the air. The cool wind blew the dried leaves up into the crimson sky. I had goosebumps. Oh! what a feeling. I smiled, closed my eyes and slipped away. Bismillah. Beauty.Love.Life.

Love. Truth. Peace. Guaranteed

On bended knee is no way to be free
lifting up an empty cup I ask silently
that all my destinations will accept the one that's me
so I can breath

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
half their lives they say goodnight to wive's they'll never know
got a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul
so it goes...

Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you...

Everyone I come across in cages they bought
they think of me and my wandering
but I'm never what they thought
got my indignation but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
underneath my being is a road that disappeared
late at night I hear the trees
they're singing with the dead
overhead...

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
consider me a satelite for ever orbiting
I knew all the rules but the rules did not know me
guaranteed...

_IntotheWildSoundtrack_Guaranteed

cooking

Never. I mean never would I venture into the kitchen except to eat. I have always been the lazy-ass types who only enjoy eating and nothing else. The kind that sits at the dining table and complains that the food is not tasty enough. Worse still, throw food tantrums. I was an enfant terrible. Little did I know that there are some joys which are just meant to be shared. Feeding the loved is so underrated. That is what nourishes life. And little fools like me spend quarter of a life just trying to discover what it is.

I went for a classical musical concert yesterday. And it was magical. It is in those moments of pure joy that I find myself. Elevated among the soaring skies, drifting in the flooded rivulets, floating in the flight of birds, grounded in the endless green fields that touch the horizon. For all I care, I could be the full-blooded instrument of a Sarod.

It's Holi and I'm here in my little hovel trying to be happy. Sometimes, happiness is never a choice you give yourself. For the most part, it's easier not being happy. You can always count on the world to bring you down but to count on yourself to never let you down is hard.  The unhappiness of just being is what happiness is not. So to be what my natural disposition demands me to be is what I am striving to seek. Fight not being happy just to be happy. How hard could that be? The joker smiles at me. Only he knows the answer:)

I want to be a homemaker. I want to cook delicious meal and see a satiated smile. I want to have a clean home that brings a sparkle to the eyes. I want to decorate the walls and make them breathe with life. I want to give shape to my life.

Japan's tragedy is incomprehensible in my head. The scale and magnitude of the disaster numbs me. I cannot understand what it would be like to have waves crashing down from the skies and sweep my world away or have the ground beneath my feet give away. I just cannot. Peace be upon departed souls and those kindred souls still alive. I pray for your peace.

In the end, it is only me waiting to be found. And when that moment comes when the spotlight of the universe is on me, I will run. For in that moment, I will be free. But till then I wait.

I worry about home. To hear my parents quavering voice on the telephone telling me how wretched they feel with their existence makes me feel helpless. It's the same old sad story. When does it change? It doesn't. May be I will change, to cope better with the situation. But I don't. I only grow wary of this. The hope that springs eternal is what is taking its toll on me. Maya, an illusion. What is there to hope for- better day, better pay?? No, none of it. Let me not wait for Godot. Cause there is none.

One thing I can definitely say about myself having lived for three months on my own is that I am responsible. I doubted that for a while but I know I am responsible for whatever shit happens in my life. Own your life, that what i keep telling myself. The only pillar of support is yourself. That does not mean I am superhuman bearing the world on my shoulder. Being responsible is not a burden, it a possibility you create for yourself. And with that possibility comes immense freedom borne from love. It allows you to crash and burn but rise and shine every day and in every moment.

At times I feel like I'm slipping away. Like I do not belong here. As the window panes flashes images of the world beyond, I sit and wonder where am I and ask myself what if? The answer is never clear and then I sink in oblivious thoughts. I should just give up this psychobabble. Bye

I really wonder what it is to be truly sensitive to the context we live in. In a way, it recognises our own limits to knowledge and understanding what is best for 'the other'. It means to be attuned to needs other than 'the self'. So when development practitioners and experts talk of sensitive development, they must acknowledge that the development they espouse stems from their own experience of what it means in their life. It can never be a benchmark to assess others. In doing that, one needs to be sensitive to one's own assumptions, biases, prejudices that make up one's own perception about life. Many a time we lose sight that everything around us is filtered through a lens we wear. This lens colours our views on life, people, places and things. It is important to be sensitive to that lens we wear when seeing the world around us. Sensitive development recognises the limits of externally-imposed ideas of "the good life". It says that while this works for me, it may not work for you, for only you know what works best for yourself. Respecting that is difficult, for we all know that we remain fallible fools who believe that life begins and ends with us. When we are really little spokes circling that wheel of life.   

Eat this

I'll be post-feminist in a post-patriarchy world, okay?.

Such happy days. I hope they never end. Close friends, lip-smacking food, stash, music, movies, rains- a recipe for a perfect weekend. I hate goodbyes, the finality of leaving. Imagine yourself at the shore, watching the ship billowing smoke as it sets off. All you can do is wait. And i can never wait, for either i jump and sink or swim till my arms gives way. Either way i'm going down. But in the depths lies stillness. May be that is what i want. Not a Waiting for Godot situation. Endless wait= tyranny of time. I want to conquer time in that still moment- stretch it, hold it, perfect it. I don't know what I 'm saying. I never know. But at least I know that you know. And if you know, the world will conspire to make me know. So yeah. Cool

Qawwali is just power- power of music. grand and deliberative yet respectful and solemn. I like how it embodies contrasting ideas but presents a whole unified philosophy about truth, love, spirit, the Almighty. I don't know urdu, which means i lose out on the nuanced meanings, the subtleties of what is said. but i don't let that dampen my enthusiasm. for some joys are just unadulterated pleasures. nothing but bliss. language or words have nothing to do with it. even if i was deaf, blind and mute, it would still reverberate in my body, my soul. that is what music does to you. opens your pores and let's you soak in the nectar. oh! the sweetest thing

These days are making me blurry-eyed and weary. Yet I plod along, for this is the only way I know how to live. I have seen so much, experienced so little. Somehow, I have a long way to go. To this beginning, where it all ends, i am unsure of the journey ahead. Call it what you may, I prefer the power of vulnerability. Life is fragile, handle with care but never despair.

I only write when i'm bluesy.this persuasion comes from melancholy. it breeds thoughts from mindless thinking. it draws light on hidden feelings. it brings clarity to meaningless existence. it's saraswati puja and i wonder whether my family is still sitting around the goddess chatting incessantly, whether flowers were offered at the end of anjali, whether the cooks are rustling up that delicious bhog i used to hog on, whether there will be music, song and dance in the evening. i am restless at the moment. i miss home. the physicality of being there. i know i can experience it all in my imagination but that is never enough. tangible presence is what i need now.u hear me.

stranger in delhi

Went to jnu yesterday. spent the whole day chilling in the sun, getting stoned but in vain. felt at home in a place that i never once called my own.strange feeling i tell you. when i was studying there i felt like a complete loner in a faceless crowd. i was young and yuppy.jnu challenged all my notions of privileged upbringing, being middle class et all. it left me confused and frustrated. like i was caught in some kind of cage. i was drifting with only my books and cellphone to keep me grounded. now when i look back i realise that much of what happened to me in those two years was necessary.disenchantment, no sense of truly belonging is what i grapple with even now.only that i handle it with peace. calmness is the new fight. we are all strangers occupying a no-man's land.it is foolish to believe that what u have now is your own. it never was, never will be. jnu (the idea) is permanent but we who are trying to relive it are not. truth be told to all and sundry. jai hind!

Whatever, whenever

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Quit my job and shift for work to Delhi. Nothing special actually.
 2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Nah.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No please.

5. What places did you visit?
Sri Lanka, the island of serendipity:)

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Peace of mind :p

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My 25th birthday in Colombo, got a new laptop and lots of sisterly love.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Letting go.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Being the stupid drama queen that I am.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Bouts of anger.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My flight tickets to Sri Lanka.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Me, myself and I.Haha

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and/or depressed?
Not again please.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Helping parents, being selfish and shifting to Delhi.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Change is coming.

16. What song/s will always remind you of 2010?
The World Spins Madly On- The Weepies
Bavara Manne Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna-Hazaaron-Khwaishen-Aisi
Memories-David Guetta

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Same same but different.

18. Thinner or fatter?
FAT only.

19. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Been productive and overcome some fears.

20. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Being in a frog-in-the-well syndrome.

21. How did you spend Christmas?
At home with friends, family and lover!

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Always:)

23. How many one-night stands?Dhut!

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
None in particular.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope.

26. What was the best book you read?
Travels with Charley-John Steinbeck
The Trial-Kafka
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Me not great at discovering new musical talents, so : /

28. What did you want and get?
New job and a new lease of life

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
The Social Network and Udaan.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?Turned 25 and celebratedat Amravatti restaurant in Colombo, digging into spicy Chicken 65 and Pepper Crab...

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?Less cribbing and more loving.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?Bring on the jewellery

34. What kept you sane?Pinoo.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Julian Assange, yes u know i want u!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The season of scams and scandals

37. Who did you miss?
Shreya, Anasuya, Priti and Priya.

38. Who was the best new person you met?Myself. Kidding:)

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010. What did you want and not get?
Forgive and forget. Basically let go! And more action.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.The club can't even handle me right now ;P No seriously, watch out.

And she sits on her cold bed in her furry sweater and prays that the world be a better place. But she knows that the world is her mirrored soul. She clasps her hands and tries to concentrate with lines forming on her forehead. Thoughts flutter yet she tries to reign them in like closing the windows on a day of gusty winds. She offers a few words in silence and opens her eyes. It's a brave new world we face every day she tells herself. Go out and lead it. And with that thought she leaves her house and embraces the cold winter sunshine.