I sometimes wonder if equanimity is the same as being disaffected and therefore de-attached. The quality of being equally at ease with pain and suffering as with happiness and good fortune is what balance in life offers. But somehow my life moves is swaying motions like the pendulum clock. Sometimes, it stops at the centre, only to regain its inherent force to move in opposite directions. And caught in this tussle is my mind, the seat of the big fat ego. It never stays still, always rushing moment to moment. It needs to be sedated, which i know drugs won't fix. To kill ego is to kill self. Can you imagine yourself without a 'me' or 'I'? That would make you a dust particle floating in the wind or at best an element. I know i'm connected to my inner, higher  self that lies beyond the 'Nidhi Sen' self. That self always tells me the truth i don't want to hear, accept or acknowledge. So i fight with all my might to break it down. For the most part i succeed, till it surfaces again. And the fight ensues. But i will die another day. I promise.