Look into yourself, you are the change you need to be, not the change you hope others will be.

Priority 2010

1. Learn French
2. Learn a classical dance form
3. Start cracking on my PhD topic

You have to want to love your life.


You have to want to want; it has be an all-encompassing feeling, one that can drive you to madness.

Then only do you feel that this is a life well-fulfilled or else it shall remain a never-ending series of anti-climaxes.

2010

I am hopeful about the new year. It's my gut feeling and I am willing to do what it takes to make this coming year work for me. I am going to conquer my fears with courage and fortitude, overcome bitterness with compassion, love my family with an open heart and pray for a good life for all with a clear conscience. This shall be my strongest endeavour.

Make believe

I am "always-already interpellated." Disturbing as it sounds, it remains the truth of life. Shackled by a privileged social position, I shall always be the oppressor, for this is the logic of my being, determined from the time of birth. I can choose to be different in my actions and words but as long as I remain within this structure of life, I shall always be both the oppressed and the oppressor. Breaking free and attaining moksha (deliverance) seems the only legitimate human salvation. I understand it now, 'cause everything is maya, the illusion.

I am not a fatalist but I do believe that even fate is structured by this very logic. Then how do you believe that I had an equal chance of surviving when one out of every four children in the world, who die under the age of one, is an Indian.

THE PARADOX OF OUR TIMES- His Holiness the Dalai Lama

The paradox of our times

Is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers

Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints

We spend more, but we have less

We have bigger houses, but smaller families

More conveniences, but less time

We have more degrees, but less sense

More knowledge, but less judgment

More experts, but more problems

More medicines, but less wellness

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often

We have learnt how to make a living, but not a life

We have added years to life, but not life to years

We’ve been all the way to the moon and back

But have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour

We have conquered outer space, but not inner space

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted our soul

We’ve split the atom, but not our prejudice

We’ve higher incomes, but lower morals

We’ve become long on quantity but short on quality

These are the times of tall men, and short character

Steep profits, and shallow relationships

These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare

More leisure, but less fun

more kinds of food, but less nutrition

These are the days of two incomes, but more divorces

Of fancier houses, but broken homes

It is a time when there is much in the show window

And nothing in the stockroom

A time when technology can bring this letter to you

And a time when you can choose

Either to make a difference or just hit, delete.

Never pass a judgement on people.

a rant

I have been writing stupid reports to donors sitting in foreign lands, telling them about how wonderful life is, now that they are in this world. Like geez, give me a break or I will run away. But not so fast, till I learn my French and sip champagne.

music.groupie.life

Karsh Kale. K.A.R.S.H K.A.L.E. I <3 you. I hope you can feel the love, you need love; we all need love.

I am a bit too depressed for winter. This weather is for the warmth of the fireplace, for the comfort of a snug sweater, for a hot cup of tea to soothe an aching throat, and for a freshly baked fruitcake to satiate the hungry soul. And here I am, feeling autumn.

These days are spent in indolence, in quiet idleness. I know in a day or two, everything will change. The pace of life will overwhelm me and I will find myself swamped with new commitments and deadlines. Nothing prepares you for what awaits you and with that thought you keep walking. The destination is known but the journey wears out even the most intrepid soul.

I want sunshine in the rain,winter's icy fingers touching my warm summer face.


I want happiness amidst the pain,thorns that prick in that lovely gladiola bouquet.


I want peace in the debris of my shattered brain,sparkling grains of sand illuminated only in the shiftless shoreline gaze.


I want success in failure, scaling the top but falling short of surmounting the main.


I want to be, not only to be free; for freedom is the lottery's chance device.

Miss

Without you this house feels empty; filled with bligthed spirits bearing crosses against their heavy hearts. Your presence brings comfort and familial delights, of grand feasts and petty fights. Little did we know that time would pass us by and we would have to say our goodbyes. And miles apart, it is these words said in silence that keeps us alive.

I am a chicken waiting to be slaughtered, halaal style.

I fight till all meaning is lost.
Misunderstood and mislead, I feel no reason to crucify myself.
There is no solace, no pain, just a mighty heart ready for the game.

Resolution 181109

I will go out, walk, attend the Kutch embroidery exhibition and be happy with myself.

Update: Priti bought me a beautiful embroidered yolk. I can't wait to attach it to a piece of silk and wear it. Winter wear, here we come!

Happiness

The weather is splendid and it just happens to be an oh-so-perfect day. Woke up feeling fresh, did yoga with Priti, chatted with my aunts, cuddled Minto, took a cat nap in the afternoon, ate puchkas, walked arm-in-arm with Pinoo to the Metro, going out for a drive with Dudu, eating momos for dinner and then calling it a day.Khub bhalo lagche and I didn't even try to feel this way.

Ready for the floor- Hot Chip

Hallelujah!

I have reached a point in my life where gossip only means information you don't wanna know.

And so it is.........

Today was unofficially my first day of work in my new work place. With the new people and new mindsets, I feel a little lost. But I know that this change is needed, to move on to new experiences. My heart feels heavy, my head light and my body bloated than ever.

By note- Trust yourself!

In this world, sometimes you just have to make it on your own; alone.

hello testing

love leads the way when doors r shut and settings dont make sense

I have disabled some posting settings on my blog and I can't seem to get it back. Stupid girl!Grrr....

:o)

i got a new job. i got a new job. i got a new job. i got a new lease of life.

Of Human Bondage

This will end, whatever is going on in my head. This all-consuming feeling of sheer hatred for you is nothing but a repudiation of me. So while I say goodbye, I wish you a speedy recovery.

In the name of love

If you have an Ego, then baby I have Pride.

I think, therefore, I am;reallllyyyyyyy?

What is it that makes us human?

I do not have the answer to this ontological question. The truth eludes me, consuming this frenzied spirit of mine. I know not what it is to be thyself, to be just a human. Yet the discovery of self as human shall be the most defining moment of life.

More questions:

• Does rationality, the logic of thinking, make us who we are?
• Is emotion the humanness we speak of?

To belong

Wise men say you find peace in the unlikeliest of places and there on Train 10589 Howrah-Bandel Local, I reclaimed myself.

Strength of character.
What does it take to make it your own?

A part of me has given up on life, letting it slip away from these very fingers. I'm losing the plot and very soon I will cease to be. Falling into nothingness, which we eventually become.

I want to be beside you every moment.

To feel your presence in my life.

To fill that void in my heart.

To bring me peace of mind.

That's all I pray for.

incomplete

You are me and I am you. We are one.
The idea of dystopia we imagine?

I am myself and you are yourself. We are one but not the same.
The perfect idea of love made real?

I like to fight but not when people fight against me.
I like the rain but not when it rains on me.
I like the laughter but not when it laughs at me.
I like you but not what you are to me.
I feel you, do you feel thee?

Prophetic words

Considering that everything happens for a Reason, there are some things better left unsaid.

We're never gonna survive unless, we get a little crazy,

No! we're never gonna survive unless, we are a little crazy........

http://www.wat.tv/video/seal-crazy-glkz_g694_.html

Note of self

• You can never keep all your friends happy. This is the reason why I shy away from big public functions, where your thrust into crowds of friends with conflicting loyalties. There are plans and then there are more plans. And by the end of it all, you're lost, dazed and confused. You wonder if you have really come out just to keep your friends happy, knowing that it does not necessarily mean you're happy. Uuuffff! the perils of socialising.
• When you're high- don't talk, shut up and listen. No! actually that's a very bad idea. Just staring into someone's face, making eye contact and smiling doesn't fool anyone.
• I feel stupid, not knowing what to say or how to react when called a BITCH. I am like DuH, really??!!

Okay, it's official you're so full of shit, get over it!

I am telling YOU that I will get into my old 26-inch jeans. And this time it will get up my thighs and ass. Mark my words.

I am no longer tempted by the sight of colourful chips packets. This is a triumph for me, a little battle won. Isn't life all about unsaid acts of heroism?

Let me tell you a little secret to happiness, it's something as superficial as makeup. Don't smirk your face, I'm not as shallow as you think I am. If there is ever a day you want to feel Viva Glam, beatify yourself with makeup. Trust me, it remains one of the eternal truths of a good life.

http://www.maccosmetics.com/

Head blank. Body heavy under its own weight. Drifting along like a lonely cloud, knowing not rain or sunshine. On and on, round and round, in that same rhythm, in that same circle of life.

These days will merge into years, into many years, into a lifetime. Yet what will I remember from it all?

---------Possibly nothing------------

:)

You walk away and I get on the bus. We glance at each other and we know that we're just a phone call away. But so many things remain unsaid. Yet we choose to walk on.

All that I will remember of today is the image of a lush green maidan set against a clear blue sky. While I passed it in a taxi, I kept saying to myself such a perfect day. Only that I couldn't spend it with you in that spot of beauty right in the middle of the city. With the grass tickling our feet and the open sky above our heads, wouldn't it be lovely??

Discover your drug

I have found mine. A lethal combination of Portishead, Thievery Corporation, Zero 7, Frou Frou, Amy Winehouse, Massive Attack and Telepopmusik all stirred up in a heavy dose of adrenaline rush. Jiyo mama!

SOS

I had a massive attack of flu last evening, that has left me decapacitated. I slept for more than 15 hours and I still feel like a zombie, drugged out of my wits. I get these fits at least once a week, forcing me to pop some seriously strong pills. I have tried both homeopathy and allopathy medication, which have failed miserably on me. The only resort is our lord God, please fix me!

Try keeping yourself happy

I'm listening to music and relaxing at home, after a hectic day of politicking at work. It's no good talking about work cause it always brings you down. My body feels bloated and pregnant in its monthly ritual and wants some pampering. So I got myself a huge piece of chocolate mudpie cake to salivate on. Now, I'm on a sugar rush, riding the high and letting go.

Music from : Frou Frou. Let Go. Perfect Timing.

Is this an idea of togetherness?

I believe in you, yet trust doesn't come easily. You love me yet actions fall short of words. This universe is ours, yet we can't seem to conspire to make it work for us. If this a struggle within, then redemption for lonely souls can never be far behind.

Bonding

Tonight, I dressed up mommy for a wedding and she felt beautiful. She was so excited when I told her that I would do her makeup and style her sari that I just couldn't let her down. She looked radiant and graceful. I love her and that makes us two just happy people in the world.

surprise surprise!

I opened the door and was greeted by my adorable aunts, who were waiting for me patiently all the while. There was Minto who rushed into my arms whining, kissing and speaking to me all at the same time. I missed him terribly; he is my jaan and praan. Making myself comfortable at home, I unpack my suitcase of all the goodies inside. I enter my bedroom and find a pretty sight that filled me with delightful surprise. Delicate pink and white carnations and roses were beautifully decorated on the bedside and nicely wrapped gifts were laying on bed waiting to be opened. It was perfect, the moment of baby-eyed wonder. And then I thought to myself "what a wonderful world..."

P.S: Truly, the moral underpinning is life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.

Just breathe and catch the next flight home. Get swarmed with love and be grateful. Let go of this life and feel free. This is the way the world is meant to be.

The deluge has begun, with heaven's wet embrace. The clouds are heavy with rain, talking in their thunderous sound. The earth is flooded, with the solitary snail struggling to make its way to higher ground. The trees are breathing with life, fresh with new foliage. The dogs and cats are crouched in little corners waiting for it all to end. And then there is humanity counting the costs of it all.

RIP

MJ died on my birthday. Cause for celebration?

Prakash Karat

YOU D.I.S.A.P.P.O.I.N.T ME

Nature's embrace

I got soaked down to my chaadis in the torrential rain and then danced in my terrace. Yippie!:)

Dedicated to Priya

I AM A DISCO DANCER

I AM A DISCO DANCER

I AM A DISCO DANCER

MITHUN DA, YOU ROCK MY WORLD!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYzo1NebtDk&feature=related

pop princess

I like the song 'Circus' by Britney Spears, which happens to be my current favourite. I have always been a fan and the woman's rocking the show after a long time. Go get jiggy with it!:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zeR3NSYcHk

body worship

I tend to generally obsess a little too much about my weight. I like cribbing about how fat i am, how i can't get into my old clothes and how i can't control my appetite for junk food. But i do little to remedy the situation. Non-action on my part has made my weight balloon from 48 kgs. to 56 kgs. over the past few months. The layers of fat have piled up on my tummy and buttocks, making me hip-heavy and unfit. So after a long motivational talk with myself, I finally decided to get a trainer and get back in shape.

It has been two weeks since i first started my exercise routine and I'm feeling great. I like pushing myself to the limit, to have every pore in my body open with sweat, to feel my muscles cringe and stretch and my lungs full of fresh air. The freehand and yoga exercises are painful and tiring. But nothing can be a more rewarding experience than being conscious of one's own body, that is awake and throbbing with life. I really hope i can keep at this, cause it feels so good and so right .

http://www.chaneln5.com/en-us/#/the-film

A short film especially created to capture the timeless appeal of that iconic perfume called Chanel No. 5.

Calcutta walks

On the afternoon when the Nor'westers provided a welcome relief from the heat and dust of summer, Pinoo and me went on a small walk near Chowringhee. We walked along Harrington Street passing the newly inaugurated Rabindranath Tagore Centre for Culture. It is not an impressive building but it has a modern earthy appeal. They have a quaint little cafe, which was unfortunately shut. I'm sure this is going to our new haunt for those long conversations we have over tea. We then walked down to Camac street and landed up in Vardaan market for some chutpatta street food. There were Chilla, puchka, jhaal muri, kulfi stalls all lined up to entice our taste buds. We further walked down to Middleton Row, passing my newly-painted school and church. We then headed for Park street and came across a vendor selling a very funny headgear. The moment you blow the whistle attached to it, two little horns come up on your head. I tried hard to convince Pinoo to don the headgear but he's just so shy. I love making him do embarrassing things like walking with a swagger in the middle of a busy Park Street evening. On the way to the metro station, an old frail woman asked us for help to pay for her medical treatment in a hospital. Pinoo paid her believing she may be genuinely true. And then we said our goodbyes and headed to our respective destinations.

LOSER

For the record, I am not voting in the ongoing 15th Lok Sabha General Election 2009. Shame on me!!
:(

We're all shiny happy people.

Seeking approval.

Finding acceptance.

Being loved.

That's what we all want.

I want to be drenched in the smell of Cinema, the ultimate sensual indulgence.

http://www.ysl.com/

Almost a week into my training and stay in Delhi, i have realised that the city is not for me and that i should have been a lawyer by profession. Since the two years that i have not been here, life has definitely moved on and yet i crave for that which will never be. The old circle of friends is no more, everyone is busy trying to get their lives all shaped up. The campus I'm told has changed and lost its character. The new crop of 'pakka' students are a far cry from the students of the past. Delhi is lively, yet I'm completely lost in the crowds. Lonely to be precise.

On a different note, my training sessions are proving to be very informative. I love learning about the law and its practical implication on our daily life. It makes for absolutely fascinating stuff. I am going to pursue this more vigorously, having renewed my faith in the rule of law.

delli chalo

All my bags are packed and I'm ready to go. Both Pinoo and my parents have mixed emotions about my one month official stay in the capital city. The trip is wholly reminiscent of my University days, especially of the long-distance relationship, literally hanging on the line. But i can't wait to step foot in Delli and go down memory's lane. I have to go University to meet my Professors and Department staff, check out Room No. 232 of Ganga hostel, eat at Kiecha's, cycle around campus, pay respect to my seniors, catch up with my hommies, shop in Paharganj, Mohan Singh Palace, Sarojini Nagar, People Tree...There's so much to do, yet so little time. I'm super excited, so please God make sure that this trip at least lives up to my expectations.

Shantiniketan

Last weekend, I went on a much-needed break to Shantiniketan. I loved the whole trip and the images of the Bengal countryside are vivid in my imagination. The train journey was comfortable and i was lucky to have a window seat all through the passage. From Howrah, the urban polluted landscape made way for the carpet of lush green paddy fields that was like an eye balm for my sore eyes. Disembarking at the Bolpur station, one is immediately accosted by the dry heat that burns your skin. Barely managing to cling on to my luggage, the rickshaw ride takes you from the hustle bustle of the town to the peaceful environs of Shantiniketan. It is quintessentially a small town, with a heart that you can bury your soul in. It's earthy, warm and true to life.

Reaching the hotel and after a rushed meal, we hit the dirt track for some serious culture shopping. All along the way, a sense of calm overcomes you and all the worries that afflict sad city-slickers like me seem to magically fade away. The Bengal countryside can awaken the budding poet in anyone; from singing peans about the beauty of a full-bloom Palash flower to the patriotic fervour of Desh ki Dharti. Life becomes about the simple joys of life and about inner peace.

The two-day trip was jam packed with visits to Rabindra Bhavan, Vishwa Bharati campus (Patha Bhavan, Kala Bhavan, Sangeet Bhavan), Sriniketan, Srijani....But my favourite part of the journey was sitting on the banks of Kopai with the cool breeze blowing and listening to the mesmerising music of the local Baul singer. I also revelled in the experience of walking in the shadow of the moonlight. It was surreal, with no human habitation all around and only the twinkling stars under the night sky for company. Absolute and pure magic.

Shantiniketan has renewed my spirit in doing something creative and in settling down to the rural/rustic life in the future. This is my calling and I'm happy i found it here and nowhere else in the world.

Monodeep Sen

Lord Minto
minu
mono
mama
kitty
goddess of flowers

WE LOVE U...<3

Feminism

The area of feminism remains rather ambiguous to me. I have a self-suiting attitude towards the feminist cause and I'm not sure whether i would call myself a feminist, womanist or whatever. Yet i remain staunchly self-assertive when it comes to my rights and areas of freedom. Female subjectivity is so complex and our lived-in experience is so personal that world-wide solidarity and emancipation is a distant realm of possibility. I found this interesting piece on the 'three waves of feminism' and it has sparked some serious thinking on my part.

http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/6236_Chapter_1_Krolokke_2nd_Rev_Final_Pdf.pdf -

(type three waves of feminism on google search and check the first link)

Tumi Ke, Bolo To??

Travelling by local train in the countryside is an truly eye-opener. My personal experience has been that we board the train with all the baggage of middle class pretensions but disembark with absolutely no reservations. You get a real slice of life; the sights, smells and cacophony of that class of society that is hidden from our everyday view.

On a different note, I am sometimes confounded with the duality of life, the compartmentalisation of one's existence into wholly immutable spaces. Here i am on one side being comfortable with my identity as ascribed by birth and on the other equally at ease with my chosen identity. Yet i can never seem to reconcile myself to either. These are separate selves within the self, coexisting cohabiting yet altogether different. Really who am I??

OCD

1. I feel more comfortable in the company of women than men. Women rock this world!
2. I can be quite aggressive and cantankerous and i absolutely love a good fight.
3. I dig honesty, especially individuals who are true to themselves and others.
4. I love dancing and still harbour aspirations of being a trained classical danseuse.
5. I am scared of myself, which is not a very pleasant attribute of oneself.
6. I like technicalities, methodologies, systems.
7. I am appalled at my poor sense of history and hope to redeem myself. History is fascinating as it puts life as we live it in full perspective.
8. I am a very fickle individual, who needs constant stimulation and engagement of the mind, body and soul.
9. I wish my job pays better and takes me places. Fingers crossed.
10. I want to travel more with my sisters. They are my eyes in this unseen world.
11. I find learning about the finer things is life an aesthetic pleasure but detest people who show pretenses to the same.
12. I'd like to gain the world's knowledge not to flaunt it but to understand it better.
13. I obsess about weight yet i am too fucking lazy to move my ass.
14. I don't like complications in life. I like to lead my life very simply and naturally.
15. Minto is my companion for life. Meri Jaan. I love to watch him dream. The rolling of his eye balls, the twitching of his ears, the muffled growls and paw movements. AAAwwwwwwwwwwww<3
16. I have become so predictable that all my moves to outsmart Pinoo have backfired on me. Not fair.
17. I'd like to think i'm a superwoman, capable of taking down the establishment handsdown.
More later......

Mother's words of wisdom

Is showing Hindu-Muslim communal harmony onscreen cliche?? I don't think i have the answer to that question tonight. I need to ponder over this...
P.S-For the record, I do not watch movies with my mouth open.

link

This blog is a cornucopia of delights. Enjoy!

http://www.masalachaionline.blogspot.com

प्यार hua

Six years of togetherness and there is still more love to be shared...<3

Girlie things

1. Taking pleasure in having your nails painted stark pink or bright red.
2. Loving the way your skirt twirls like swirling dervishes.
3. Smiling at the eye-popping makeup on your face.
4. Enjoying the gossip full on.
Gosh!the world of women, I love it.

Father figure

My daddy is an extraordinary man. His life represents the middle class superlative that is India. His journey began from the heart of small town India, that wretched place we call Patna. My father had a very simple upbringing with none of the pretenses of an English Convent school upbringing. He studied in a Hindi medium government school and by sheer dint of hard work and individual merit, completed his engineering from Patna Engineering College (now rechristened as National Institute of Technology). By chance, he sat for the CAT exams and managed to get a scholarship to study management in IAM, Kolkata. From then on, this young Bengali man from Bihar joined the corporate bandwagon and secured his future. My father's journey acts as a strong reminder for me. His road to success is the story of middle class India finding a place for itself in the sun.

Normal Office Mornings

Today, doesn't have to be a perfect, it just has to be normal and familiar. The alarm is set for 7.30 am but i drag myself out of bed at 7.45 am sharp. A minute's delay can hamper the entire day's schedule, so i take no such risks. I brush my hair and teeth, clean my face and have my breakfast. The dining table is ready with lemon juice, two slices of bread with sugar sprinkled on it, a hot cup of tea so i can dip my bread in it and an egg sunny side up. I have a nice morning conversation with my mommie and then rush to have my bath. Fresh from my wash, i get dressed, check the time and put my lunch box in the bag. Satisfied, i leave home ready to face the brave new world.

8.25 am I leave home to catch the 8.35 Metro from Jatin Das Park. On the road, while trying to dodge my way through morning traffic, i pass the butcher's shop and feel sickened by the smell of rotting meat, hear the chickens' cry from being carried upside down on a cycle,watch the para puppies sleep blissfully on the sand. I buy the day's ticket from the man with a bad haircut, listen to latest Bengali songs on IncodaTV and stand at my choosen spot where the metro door opens at my feet. I get in and smile at the regulars and try to balance myself in the speeding metro without the help of the hand support. As the metro approaches my destination, i.e, Park Street Metro Station at 8.50 am i get ready to jump out of the cabin. As the metro stops and the doors open, i get out as quickly as i can leaving behind the hordes of individuals commuting with me.

As i walk along Park Street, i hear the drummable beats of the cobbler's brush, attracting the attention of fast-paced officer goers, i see the beggar woman with her little baby, the well-fed dogs of Karnani mansion basking themselves in the sun, the cleaners carrying the dump of Park Street in their thela garis, the pavements dug up for yet another plumbing or electrical job and garbage strewn carelessly on the street.

On approaching Wellesly road, lungi clad men are busy having their bath in public or kick-starting their day by drinking Chattu, urchin boys are fast sleep on the pavement and the local bazaar is buzzing with frantic activity. Close to my workplace, i walk past dazed rag-pickers doing heroin or crack cocaine and avoid eye-contact. I quickly walk inside my office building and ask whether my boss has arrived. At the reception area, i enter the time 9.00am in my attendance card. Now, it's time to work.

I know i'm fat but i will take offense if you tell me i'm fat. That privilege is reserved for the very few, so ZIP it!

the question is WHY?

Why the hell is it so difficult for me to express what i really feel, to do what i really want to do??
I need to be the mistress of my own will.
Duniya bhaar mei jao.