“If I write what I feel, it's to reduce the fever of feeling. What I confess is unimportant, because everything is unimportant.”- Fernando Pessoa

What do i do with myself? I am frustrated by my stupid habits and brooding thoughts. Each time i try to check myself, i veer into self-loathing, something that comes easily to the best of us.  But why this hate and rage, both self-directed and projected? It's a pattern repeated ad nauseam. My inherent base nature (the most lowly part of me) is to be reactive. I bounce off my fluctuating emotions, depending on what provokes me. It could be anything, from the mundane and the silly to the serious and the profound.  That i act on my emotions is worse, for a part of me is always on the edge, waiting for its next stimulus. I always itch for a good fight- how horrible is that! Compounding this is my complicated relationship with money. False as it may be, i'm constantly finding myself equating well-being with monetary success. It's ridiculous, right? Deep down, may be i also associate emotional security with money. There is of course a backstory but that's not important. What matters is what it is wreaking in my mind, a battlefield of conflicts. I have spoken to P about this but our conversations get heated and personal that is difficult to find a way out. So what do i do myself? I need some respite from myself. I don't know if it would make any sense.