2009

I have great expectations and live in bad faith, that really doesn't leave much optimism for the year ahead. However, i hope to redeem myself. May this year be a year of promise, a year we renew our trust in what we truly believe to be just and fair. Let there be fulfillment, peace of mind and love to be shared. And most of all let us make our dreams a humble reality.God bless Humanity.

Songs of the Year

1. What a day for a daydream-Lovin' Spoonful

2. Kaise Mujhe-Ghajini

X'mas

Warmly wrapped in my woollens, I'm listening to John Coltrane at home. He is God, the creator of sublime and soulful music. Jazz is filling up my senses and i feel alive and awakened. I have never felt so at peace with myself.

Sat, Tat and Aum.

Life.

...2008...

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?

Travelling to foreign lands with my dear sisters.

2. Did you keep your new years resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No, never intend to.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my cousin who gave birth to an adorable baby girl named Vani.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

NO.

5. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

3 July, the journey of a lifetime begins............

6. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Sharing the love and affection of the children i work with.

7. What was your biggest failure?

Losing my focus in life. Stagnation.
8. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I'm constantly in and out of minor illnesses.

9. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

The positive behavioural change of some of the children in the halfway house.

10. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Apathy of the general public and the attitude of some of my colleagues.

11. Where did most of your money go?

On parents, helping them out in times of need.

12. What did you get really excited about?

My holiday to Thailand and Bali. I loved the whole experience.
13. What song will always remind you of 2008?

Seal-Crazy and Telepopmusick-Breathe
14. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

Sadder.
15. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Having a strong purpose in life.

16. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Cribbing and Procrastinating.

17. How will you be spending Christmas?

With family and friends. High.
18. Did you fall in love in 2008?

In love.

19. How many one night stands?

None.
20. What was your favourite TV programme?

Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations. Hands Down.

21. What was the best book you read?

Yann Martel's Life of Pi. Tough choice.
22. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Indian classical music in its enormity.
23. What did you want and get?

A holiday to an exotic destination.
24. What did you want and not get?

Passing in Paper III of my Human Rights Course. A first of sorts.
25. What was your favourite film of this year?

Dark Knight. Heath Ledger.
26. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Had a party with close friends over. Turned 23.
27. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Read more books from the world of social science academics.

28. What kept you sane?

Pinoo, dancing and travel

29. Who was the worst new person you met?

Not quite sure.
30. Who was the best new person you met?

Melissa, Charmaine, Elaine and Benjamin.
31. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

Be the change. Act now.

32. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gum. Ta ra rum pum pum.

weirdass

nidhi went to school in chennai and bangalore
up north shes got no room
she has a heavy presence down south
and across the breadth from east to west
nidhi loves minto
the bow wow
she twists herself into natural shapes
and distorts fiction
conveniently when the truth threatens
the stories shes told
to unsuspecting passengers on the morning metro
----a neurotic sketch
presumably monkey
and a pat on the back
to scratch the bum
not warm the heart
-----starts from the second line

Year End

The year is slowly drawing to a close and i have some unfinished business to complete..............
1. Loose weight on my thighs and bum (no pain, no gain nidhi!!)
2. Learn yoga (i have to enroll myself in Swami Santadas Institute this week )
3. Learn driving (consult Dudu on good driving schools)
4. Finish 3 books gifted by pinoo (sorry but i'm in a no-book reading mood)
5. Promise never to forgive myself if i fail to do 1, 2, 3 and 4
Lastly, Be Kind
Bye.

city dreams

On a rather lazy Saturday afternoon, Pinoo and me on a whim of fancy took a tram journey from Gariahat depot to Esplanade. The tram ride was splendid. The rumbling of the engine, the cool breeze blowing against our faces and the sheer excitement of exploring the city anew. In fact, earlier in the day i bought this tiny handbook on a bus that contains all possible travel routes in the city. It is very informative and a great way to discover the city we love. We got off at Esplanade and walked around Dalhousie Square. I loved the sense of history that engulfs you, the imposing colonial architecture that transports you in time. It's a shame how we neglect our heritage and destroy it in the name of real-estate development. I really hope the World Heritage Status conferred on B.B. Bag will help in restoring some of the most grand and gorgeous buildings one can every see. We walked and walked till our feet ached, got lost in tiny alleyways, eat sumptuous street food and marvelled at the little delights of life. Although we were out and about for a few hours, this was one of the best times we've shared together in our hardpressed lives. This city never disappoints, warmly embracing you when you least expected. We are happy lovers in the City of Joy.

realisation

The past few months have been quite uneventful. I cannot distinguish between one day and another. My life has become compartmentalised into work on weekdays and play on weekends. I know this is inevitable but does it really have to be??!! I feel blah-blah at the end of each day, brain-dead and unconsolable.I know i'm not a particularly happy person at this moment in life. It's just the way i am and I find it disturbing. I definitely need a change. The lure of a new job, the bright lights of a new city and maybe the thrill of seeking new friends. Maybe.

moi

i am a fighter.

agressive.

foul-mouthed.

relentless.

and i do cry.

dream on

My top three holiday destinations would have be:
1. Iran
2. Cuba
3. Russia
P.S- Mr Mohanty i hope you read this!

Shenai

I momentarily passed a Kali puja pandal today and the fine and delicate sounds of the Shenai are still playing on my mind...the Shenai is my favourite Indian classical musical instrument...its sound is evocative and poignant, stirring one's bare, mortal soul...on hearing the notes, i am flooded with emotions, my sense-perceptions come alive and i begin to feel...the overall experience is emotionally overwhelming...music should be transcendental in its spirit, elevating us to the higher consciousness...like the snake charmer, the Shenai maestro raptures us in the ways of the universe...rising above mere existence and exaggerated moments of greatness to embrace the cosmic unity that binds humanity...

Nach Baliye

i love dancing, so play the fucking music deejay!!!...i'm turning out to be quite a freak of nature...i stand infront of the mirror, checking out my groovy moves...pulsating beats, swirling moves, drowned thoughts, liberated spirits...the fringe show of my life...a few pleasures that i indulge in..:o)

excoriating reason

Sitting in the quiet of a rain swept wind lashed night what happens to all the doggies I wonder
I am like who can say
So spun into candyfloss
I feel potent for a historic blunder

existentialist crisis

I have being thinking hard over the past few days...the big and perplexing questions of life (what i am and want to become, which roads of discovery should i traverse) have preoccupied my thoughts and remain unanswered...this phase of life is tough, especially when you're a sucker for a reassuring comfort-zone...i am convinced that 2009 is going to be the year that defines my fucking life and the very thought of the year's end approaching is scaring me...to be brutally honest, i am my weakest self...fatalistic, weak-willed and distrustful of myself, i really feel i am at the threshold of life...amen!

trippin'

...i wish i could write when i am drunk...the blurred dreamlike visions, the spaced-out thoughts, the friendly embrace of the loved...those feelings and emotions can never be adequately captured in our grounded reality...i am in a state of suspended animation...badly hungover...there is a pleasant buzz ringing through my ears...free falling between forced consciousness and gentle abandonment...i want the moment to linger on...i'm happy, so please don't wake me up for the hard sun...

Fitness

Just when i wanted to get back into shape, there appears to be a minor roadblock in my efforts...since yesterday i have developed a skipping routine for myself which involves stamina building and free body exercises...my hope is that in a few weeks, if not months, i will have a physically fit body...it is a sort of wish fulfillment that i have desired for a very very long time...excited as i am, i shared my fitness routine with a well wisher, who in all earnestness informed me that if i skip too much my boobs will sag...wtf!!!!...shit man, this is so bloody unfair...i don't care if my boobs sag in disappointment or rise up in happiness...i will SKIP, JUMP, RUN-if that is what it takes to be a healthy human being...thank you for your concern and advice...

mental state examination

i have been condemned for my shortcomings in understanding...it disturbs me and i can't hide behind words...the truth is a bitter pill, difficult to swallow...i've had my share of mistakes and misgivings...but my ego which constitutes the bane of my existence is eating me alive...yet i hope to live to tell the tale...

Puja fever

it's that time of the year when Goddess Mother Durga descends from her heavenly abode and becomes the soul of Kolkata...Kolkata is now throbbing with life and its feverish pulse is infectious...you can feel the air of bated anticipation overwhelm your senses...the blinding street lights and gaudy dressing reveal a carousel of shoppers, revellers and the devout...everyone wants a piece of heaven and i'm no exception...the Puja's are here and i can't wait to immerse myself in its spirit...

it's the simple things that make you smile

...just when i thought i needed some inspiration in my life...SUPRISE SUPRISE!!! i have been gifted with a crayon set and drawing book to let all my creative urges burst into art...

pinoo-my soulful lover-my deepest gratitude-you truly understand the need for artistic freedom in our humdrum lives...

Trams

...tram journeys are a wonderful way to experience the cityscape of Kolkata...it is my preferred way of travelling in the city...i look for the slightest opportunity to ride them, knowing fully well i will reach my desired destination late...sitting in the old wodden chairs with the stale air surrounding me, i am transported in time...thoughts flow and my mind breathes...the tram meanders through some of the oldest parts of the city...the delapidated buildings are coloured with the signs of decay and degeneration...yet the aura of the human spirit prevails...Kolkata might be a shit-hole to many, but it sure feels like Home to me...:)

getting serious

i have started reading Frontline magazine again after a gap of more than a year...it's a magazine i want to read cover to cover, edition to edition in the hope of broadening my worldview...but it is just so pedantic that it makes for stressful reading...

irony

.........it's only when you lose yourself that you find yourself.........

........change is the only constant in our life...........

random thoughts in a bus

the wodden bus slowly rambled along the crowded streets of Kolkata, giving me much needed time think about my 'double life'...i am caught in a strange life-situation, one which is difficult to comprehend in words...i feel i am two different persons yet all the same...at day i am trying to be a social worker and in the evening i morphe into a social butterfly...my social universe is so different from the reality i struggle to grapple with...my privileged upbringing has alienated me from the difficult ways of life that exist on the streets...it's almost like an entire sea of humanity is hidden from our genteel eyes...our life experiences are so limited and finite...you move in a circle of friends and family that you sometimes cannot relate to...class barriers and its attendant sentimentality prevent us from exploring life in its broadest canvas...in the pursuit of the 'good life', a completeness of being is lost, diverse walks of life remain untrodden...hopefully my calling will prove different...

Happiness

no feeling can be more welcoming after a long day at work than a street dog greeting you with its waging tail...such unconditional affection is hard to come by...
thank you Hum:)

timepass

Take the first alphabet of your name and answer the following:
(The trick is to be quick with your replies...)
Your Name: Nidhi
Famous Artist/Band/Musician: New Kids on the Block (the original boyband!)
A Song/Piece: Never Forget by Take That
Word: Necrophilia
Color: Night blue
Gifts/Presents: Necklace
Vehicle: Nano
Animal: Neelgai antelope
TV Show: Nach Baliye
Location: Niagra Falls
Boy Name: Nitish
Girl Name: Nitu
Drink: Nimbu pani
Occupation: Neuro-surgeon
Sport: Net ball (google zindabad!)
Flower: Narcissus (sounds good)
Celebrity: Nicole Ritche
Food: Noodles
Reason for Being Late: Never catch the bus on time
Character: Nancy Drew
Something found in a Kitchen: no idea!
Something You Shout: Night out...(to my parents)
Store: Next

office politics

power play at work has to be the most exasperating and frustrating aspects of my job...i HATE it!!!...i had a miserable day at work...accusations of poorly managed work was raised...i am at my wit's end...i'm bad with dealing with persons who have ulteria motives and who want to undermine your work...i do not understand them and i am not diplomatic...if i am not comfortable with particular individuals, it simply shows!...i know they sense my discomfiture and dislike for blame-game...worst of all i can't get it out of my stupid head...

i have a team of 10 members...they are of different ages, temperaments and capabilities...team work is a hard-hard exercise...explaining to them that certain styles of working is not acceptable is sacrilege...im walking on a tight-rope...saving my big ass and keeping staff happy and motivated is driving me crazy...i really need to learn how to manage people...the success of any organisation rests upon it...god help me!!!

CHOICE

...a heavily laden word dense with meaning...modern thinking seems to be preoccupied with it...grand existentialist philosophies have been centered upon it...and i'm still struggling to figure out its role in my life...

Choice has the ability to make 'you' feel self-important, that 'you' matter...but once you peel its many layers...it seems contrived and hollow...it is no longer an enabling self-exercise....

How a word has the power to make-believe!...

"firsts"

First time experiences are always special...you suprise and amaze yourself in ways you never thought you could...it is an act of self-discovery...and i love it!...
Here are some of the "firsts" of my trip to thailand and bali:
1. bought my first international ticket (feel proud about it)
2. strut around in a bikini (for a person who is body conscious, this is liberating...)

3. eaten calamari, oysters, clams and other sea monsters (yummy!)
4. tried rock climbing (this has to fucking be the most intense human sport...it my pursuit to push myself to the limit, i was bed ridden for 1 whole day as my body temperature shot up to 104 F ...)

5. conquered a dormant volcanoe after a bum-cracking, back-breaking and jaw-dropping 4 hour hike starting at 3 am in the morning.

6. eaten the feel-good DUNKIN DOUGHNUTS.
7. boogey boarding and riding waves like a wannabe pro (FUN FUN FUN)

8. eaten a feast of traditional suckling pig (delicious!!!)

9. moved around a big city alone like a fakir (not advisable)

10. snorkelled at a japanese WWII shipwreck (priceless...the underwater universe is spellbinding...all u have to do is put you head down in the water and drift...)

11. watched a traditional Balinese dance (captivating & beautiful)

12. a full body massage at the garden of your private villa (blissful & relaxing)

13. seen a gorgeous sunrise at a World Heritage Sight (Borabudur)

14. watched a movie in I-MAX (Dark Knight...fuck Heath Ledger...shitting in my pants!)

the list is getting long and elaborate...feeling tired...will continue later...

BALI BLUES

If there is ever a journey that defines your life, it has to be my holiday to Bali...never in my life have i experienced so much natural beauty, human aesthetics and divine providence at one go...it is truly the "island of gods"...i have been blessed to see, feel, taste and dream a life that seemed so surreal...many unforgettable emotions and thoughts, many more memories never to be lost...

thank you priya, priti,elaine, charmaine, melissa, dhiraj...

a new beginning

i am a self-conscious person...writing makes me feel very naked and bare...most of my engagement with writing has been restricted to serious academic work...i have never really opened up to the idea of writing my thoughts down...writing seems to give a finality to a state of mind...words seem to limit the fluid streams of consiousness...hopefully this blog will capture the blur of words that make up our life...

thank you pinoo