Today was beautiful. I literally died in my lover's arms. Sublime love, kindred spirits, feisty souls-we are made of stars my dear. Let's shine the light on this dreary world. Illuminated lives we shall lead, now and forever.

I am going to Vizag. Yabadabadoooooo!!!!

I am going to eat sea food. Yabadabadooooo!!!!

I am going to a beach.Yabadabadooooo!!!!

I am going to meet my sister and brother.Yabadabadooooo!!!!

Yes, I am in the mood for Yabadabadooooo!!!!

Severance

Closure, finality-I like those words, although I don't know what they mean. That's exactly what happened to me yesterday; it was my last day at work. It ended on a rather sombre note. My boss refused to bid goodbye. He stood there with a sullen/wooden face. It was awkward to say the least. But then I shook his hand and wished him well. I obsessed a little about what happened. But now in hindsight I realise that my 11 months and 18 days in GD has taught me that even your best intentions can be judged as your worst, so be prepared to face the flak. As long as you know honestly that you did your best, that's all that matters. I know I have cribbed, whined and complained about work ad nauseam. I guess it's payback time for my bad mouthing. So peace be upon this. I rest my case.

So I'm spending my last few numbered days in Kolkata trying to squeeze time out of a steely day. Farewells and departures are always manic. And I'm struggling to make sense of it all. Each celebration is laced with sadness. By the end of it, I can see myself as the lost sailor steering a mast-less ship. Onward ho, that's all I know!

To friends, family and lover, life will never be the same without you. Delhi can only be a empty void, filled with strange people bearing resemblances to you. How can I ever fool myself into believing that all this will be for the good, when all I want is you. Poetic justice is always undue and so I bear the truth.

There is no time left for musings and reminiscences. Only time to act. Fulfill all social obligations before I go and face a winter of discontent on my own. No one said it was going to easy but loving in the cold can only bring warmth and that's all I care for.

I really want to pursue a Phd. It's not that my blessed with academic brilliance but I know I will be committed to the subject of my calling. I just need to a be a little brave and apply. Not anticipate the repercussions of my decisions but act on my will to believe. Overcoming personal challenges is so hard cause you know your fighting yourself- a self that can let itself down. Love lost- yes, battle won- never. But the point is keep trying, not hoping. But that in itself can become an endless wait, especially when you are an obdurate and stubborn person like me.

I always enjoying walking with Pinoo. South Kolkata happens to be our favourite jaunt. Slowly winding our way through the streets as does our conversation, there is a sense of lurking familiarity. We argue, haggle, cuddle, eat on the streets whose names we may not know but whose landmarks we always remember. Like the famous Triangular park public toilet spot, where because of my hot temper, I walked off, only to keep Pinoo standing in front of the men's lavatory with men and piss for company. Or when both of us weren't earning, we'd have chai on the wooden benches of Golpark. Having shared so many bitter and sweet memories, I am feeling a sense of impending loss creeping up slowly on me. I know that when I come next, it will all be rushed, may be, forced. Buildings we identified with, food joints that we ate in, streets that we sauntered on will change or remain the same but we would have moved on with only the memories to remind us of where it all began.

The thought that I will never have to do this again is exhilarating. No more mechanical paper writing, report writing or any sort of stupid writing on this desk in this office. I am free now to make the same mistakes somewhere else but not here. Relative freedom, that's all I want.

There has been so much hullabaloo over Obama's visit that it veers on mass hysteria. By far, TIMES NOW is the most strident news channel I have ever come across. Always on the offensive, jarring in its coverage and jingoistic in its views. I don't understand how any reasonably minded person can tolerate the blood and gore that its chief anchor vies for. Simple intolerable. After a point, not only are you misguided but misinformed. Indian press needs to really grow up and take note of its boorish attitude to serious issues.

I'm sick. My nose is running, my throat is choked, my body is sore. Wanna a nice oil body massage to invigour me. Is anybody listening??

Went to Dalhousie Institute as a reluctant guest and came out as an ardent lover of all things quintessentially Anglo-Indian. It's true the Anglos know how to be merry. They have mastered the art of living and that my dear self is an attribute to love and cherish. They have no flashy lifestyle to boast of but exude an infectious warmth which grows on you. They do all the things we love to do- dancing to the music of a live band or crooning on the microphone or drinking in the company of family and friends - but only in a manner that is far more at ease, more comfortable. That kind of disarming candour which allows you to make peace with oneself and enjoy the moment. With an Anglo, you can only expect love and generosity. And it is this open-heartedness that will always keeps me coming back 'home'.

Minto

Curled up on the sofa next to me, trying to catch whatever sleep he can between the bursts of firecrackers, I realise that my joy is his pain. Must life always exist in binaries.

I'm going to wear a rani pink and gold brocade jamdani suit. Yes, I will make for a pretty bride.