I sometimes wonder if equanimity is the same as being disaffected and therefore de-attached. The quality of being equally at ease with pain and suffering as with happiness and good fortune is what balance in life offers. But somehow my life moves is swaying motions like the pendulum clock. Sometimes, it stops at the centre, only to regain its inherent force to move in opposite directions. And caught in this tussle is my mind, the seat of the big fat ego. It never stays still, always rushing moment to moment. It needs to be sedated, which i know drugs won't fix. To kill ego is to kill self. Can you imagine yourself without a 'me' or 'I'? That would make you a dust particle floating in the wind or at best an element. I know i'm connected to my inner, higher  self that lies beyond the 'Nidhi Sen' self. That self always tells me the truth i don't want to hear, accept or acknowledge. So i fight with all my might to break it down. For the most part i succeed, till it surfaces again. And the fight ensues. But i will die another day. I promise.

Father

I want to write of the man who growing up in a small town became a successful executive. I want to write of the man who rode 5 kms. with a bicycle to catch a sneak peak of his favourite actress Madhumala in the run-down theatres doting the rural heartland. I want to write of the man who enjoys his bridge and refuses to play 29. I want to write of the man who has always enjoyed the finer things of life with a zest and spirit that i wish could only be mine. I want to write of the man who has never failed to share the joys of life with all whom he encountered during his time. I want to write of the man whose love for the written word can only be matched by his interest in political views. I want to write of the man who never planned but lived each moment with a carefree candour no longer possible in these troubled times. I want to write of the man who travelled and explored more than 5 generations before him could even dream of. I want to write of the man who calls me "ghenu" out of misplaced affection. I want to write of the man who loves his daughters so much that he is willing to give up his vice. I want to write of the man who has shared 28 glorious years with his wife, never failing to treat her nice.  I want to write of the man who is trying to rebuild his life, knowing that each day is a struggle with the demons inside.

Loneliness is debilitating and finding peace in being alone is by far the toughest human challenge known. Companionship, family, friendships are a reassurance that you're not alone, that there is someone who alone like you is there for comfort and succour. But it belies the truth, for we are forever condemned to this lonely existence and despite all assurances to the contrary, we are little islands floating on this inexorable sea of life. Accepting this has been difficult, resisting it easier. Enough said. Ekla cholo!

:(

no amount of decorating my room, no amount of time spent with roomies, no amount of food binging, no amount of book reading or movie watching can make me feel better. i am home-sick.

deja vu

sometimes coming home is more than just being on a holiday and sometimes holiday is nothing but homecoming.