there will be blood

splatter my heart
wrench my gut
infect my soul
batter my brains
smash my conscience
pulverise my body
tranquilise this pain
i like this game

spew that venom
flash those eyes
fist your palms
beat the lies
screw the shame
this only a game

match the shouts
bottle the vile
brew the anger
pummel the feeling
this is only just beginning

hubris ha ha ha

If the Indian government works on a 'mission mode', then civil society too is never far behind with its 'campaign mode' of ushering in social change. How these missions and campaigns plan to achieve their desired change is left to conjecture and imagined realities. What is important is not the change sought but its (acc)claim. Much of this bandwagon bonhomie is to make 'change' a currency that can freely circulate in the market of development. It is a change that you can brandish as a badge to assuage one's guilty-ridden existence. Who cares? It's all so self-seeking and self-perpetuating that it has little to do with people's lives. No kidding, we are here to scramble for pieces of the proverbial pie. Change has become a system of spoils- you scratch my back and i'll scratch yours. What makes this system of spoils so rotten is the moralising and self-righteousness associated with it. The entire 'holier than thou' development business is sickening. Yes, PINK got it right when she said "You make me sick".

may 12th update

Just bought gold jewellry worth 1 lakh for the wedding, which has been packed away in a locker. I have willingly given myself up to the stranglehold of money and marriage. No guilt, no complaints. amen.

last night's argument of whether a woman's place is at home (reference- mahanagar/ray) got pinoo and me into a heated argument, which eventually turned personal. i am not surprised. the personal is political, especially when it relates to gender roles in families. i ranted, hemmed and hawed and yes, i was strident in my views but i wasn't alone in the act. pinoo was equally 'worked up' about the matter being debated. however, the subtle difference being that for a woman getting 'worked up' becomes a natural act, subject to repeated derision; whereas for a man, it is an behavioural aberration, a one-off, sporadic incident not to be questioned. to my mind, this binary of how men and woman are expected to emotionally respond places a burden on both sexes. for a man, acknowledging that he can have strong emotions becomes an excruciating exercise in denial and for a woman it remains a tantrum to be endured by others. there is something insidious at play in all domestic relationships, doubting the self and individual intent being the prime targets.

 bobo is a personality in conflict. she does not know how to reconcile the divergent thoughts in her mind and suffers from a mild persecution complex. in her everyday relationships, she finds herself unable to express herself honestly and feels stifled as a result. perennial questioning- will she be judged? will she pass judgement? navigating the minefield of human interactions, there is a lurking fear that the workings of her inner demons might take control. she remains tentative, unsure when she might just let go...

absurd/bullshit

i can read but cannot write. i have nothing to say. emptiness pours forth. there is a futile purposelessness in noting down what i'm thinking/feeling. who cares? i don't and i don't expect others too. i am marooned in a mental isolation that is my own. no use fighting this angst. it is pointless. we are doomed to oblivion, an inevitability that cannot be avoided. goodbye.

mone hoy. jani na. the truth is always obsure

our struggle today is with being human and we must resist all forces that deny us our humanity. in that sense, women's struggles are extremely important but need to be understood as a part of the larger human struggles for human equality, dignity and freedom. to gender-differentiate human struggles is to suggest that some struggles are more just than others and that is where the problem lies.

much water has flown under this bridge

a year since mintobaba's death

a marriage to be consummated

a house to be made into a home

a habit that might turn into an addiction

a year where i might postpone my studies AGAIN

an anxiety of changed roles that i might not be able to handle

an adjustment of shared spaces

a biennial family reunion as always

...the minutiae that is currently dotting my mindscape